April Horoscopes

Why did all of the signs fail their senior capstones? Find out here; it’s quite the coincidence.

Arden Montjoy, Features Editor

Ah April, the time for seniors to figure out whether or not they passed their Senior Capstone. This month, I have been blessed with the knowledge of why each of the signs actually failed their project. Hate to be the one to tell you. 

Aquarius: Jan.20th- Feb.18th: The Aquarius failed their project for the classic strategy of making up a mentor. It’s impressive to run two emails and forge signatures, but I feel like your efforts could have just gone into finding an actual mentor. 

Pisces: Feb. 19th- March 20th: Pisces, I am so sorry to tell you, but the reason you failed your project is because you deleted your entire Google Site right before grading. And, coincidentally, you emptied your trash on your Google Drive right after. And then you deleted your email. And then chucked your computer into the ocean. It’s an honest mistake. 

Aries: March 21st- April 19th: The reason the Aries failed their project is not because they didn’t work incredibly hard, but because instead of working on your actual prompt, you just decided to become a Twitch streamer. I agree, it is impressive that you have 100 subs, but maybe take a look at the driving question. It couldn’t hurt. 

Taurus: April 20th-May 20th: Taurus, I truly am sorry, but you failed your project because you made a fatal flaw in your final paper. Unfortunately, bashing one of the teachers grading your portfolio is unfortunate when it comes to your overall grade. Especially when it takes up the entirety of your body paragraphs.

Gemini: May 21st-June 20th: Gemini, it’s a great thing to own a dog. But it’s an unfortunate thing for your dog to eat your project. Especially when you’re in an internship and it’s impossible for your dog to eat a computer program. 

Cancer: June 21st- July 22nd: ‘Twas a valiant effort, Cancer, and I think we were all secretly wanting you to succeed. However, one cannot complete a year long project in a week. 

Leo: July 23rd- August 22nd: I’m afraid, dear Leo, that you failed to mention your proposal never got approved. So, your project of ‘seeing how many eggs you can train yourself to fit in your mouth at one time without the shell cracking’ is not exactly eligible for grading.

Virgo: Aug. 23rd- Sept. 22nd: Dear Virgo, I am so sorry to hear that you failed your senior project. Though, I do have to mention that learning how to breathe underwater is not exactly an obtainable goal. So, maybe submit an appeal. 

Libra: Sept. 23- Oct. 22nd: Libra, you failed senior project because you said, and I quote, “I’m waiting for the right time to transfer to Apprenticeship”. And you never made any phone calls. Or wrote any emails. And you just copied and pasted the entirety of “What They Don’t Teach You In Harvard Business School” into a Google Site and hit submit. 

Scorpio: Oct. 23rd- Nov. 21st: Scorpio, dear friend, I hate to tell you, but taking someone’s portfolio from last year and just changing the font color and the name only on the title page doesn’t really work well. Especially when all of the documentation still has the previous student’s name still on it. 

Sagittarius: Nov. 22- Dec. 21st: The Sagittarius was clever, indeed, when it came to product grading time. The irony of turning in a PDF of “The Great Gatsby” and claiming it as your own work is not lost on me, I assure you, but it is sadly not enough to constitute a passing grade. 

Capricorn: Dec. 22nd- Jan. 19th: Capricorn, you worked your tail off, but unfortunately, you did not pass. On presentation night, you spent your entire 15 minute slot napping on the floor of your presentation room. Nevertheless, sweet dreams.