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September Horoscopes

Hello, Blazers. I have never written a horoscope before; however, the juicy astrologer Starburst was dopped in my candy jar, so, here we are.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Do not buy another pair of themed socks. Think about it, okay? Your friends are tired of seeing your koala socks that say you have the right koala-fications to be a marsupial. It’s getting old.

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20)

Break up with your boyfriend. If you have a girlfriend, you are allowed to keep her. I can’t really explain why, which astrologists are not required to do, so I won’t. I don’t like your boyfriend.

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Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Try goat yoga or any type of yoga. I think some of your energy needs to be devoted to regaining your calm. Not that you had a bunch to begin with, mind you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 21)

Oh, my sweet Taurus. Take some time for yourself! You’re not allowed to read another word until you’ve bought a ridiculous face mask and a gallon of ice cream. No arguing, please.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Take a chance. You know that one friend who seems kind of into you but also gives you a million mixed signals? Well, I think you should just ask them out and see how it goes. You have enough ego to take the rejection, and that’s a good thing!

Cancer (June 22 – July 21)

Your passion needs to stop being used on online forums. You can give so much more…like your cold. Go share germs!

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

I have a tingling sensation that, when ignored from a medical standpoint, tells me you need to dye your hair. I’m sick of those roots, Leo.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

Basically, Virgo, you’re perfect. I seriously don’t know how you’re maintaining a 4.0 GPA, working a full-time job, volunteering for all those soup kitchens, donating to so many children’s hospitals, curing all the cancers… AND never chipping a nail. You amaze me.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

Invent a brownie box mix recipe. I know you have it in you, you little baby Betty Crocker.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Dump it in the river.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Stop buying Durty Girl Margarita Mix. We both know you’re drinking virgin margaritas while crying doing your pre-cal homework. Hey, I get it, but at least bootleg some tequila. Save some for your favorite astrologer, too.

Capricorns (Dec 22 – Jan 19) 

While I’m on the topic of harmful beverages, Capricorns, your thing with coffee is getting to be too much. I know you’re waking up earlier for school, but that DOES NOT mean it’s acceptable to fill your old gallon milk jug with straight expresso. Stop it.





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About the Contributor
Bayleigh Weber
Bayleigh Weber, Opinions Editor
Bonjour! My name is Bayleigh, and I am not French! But I am super excited to be back at The Forge for a third year! My role here is Opinions editor, and I also create our monthly bulletin boards. If you like my bulletin boards, you can show your appreciation with cash tips or Zelle donations. When I'm not at school or doing homework, you can find me driving too fast or spending time with my cat, Daisy.
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