March Horoscopes


Arden Montjoy, Features Editor

Ah March, a time of change and, if you’re a senior, cramming for senior capstone. Fortunately, I have been given what each of the signs senior capstone should be (or should have been; sorry seniors). 

Aquarius: Jan.20th- Feb.18th: The Aquarius should do something out of the house and put themselves out there. Apprenticeship might be a good option for you because you can work at a veterinary office and steal animals while they’re having a checkup and act clueless when the owner becomes suspicious. Not that I would have any experience with that. 

Pisces: Feb. 19th- March 20th: Pisces, you need something that matches your personality exactly, so I suggest a traditional senior project. I think the genetic patterns of plants are fascinating, too, and I am certain you will find a way to make them sentient one way or another. Who cares about ethical research, right?

Aries: March 21st- April 19th: I know just the project for you, Aries. You must apply for one of the Children’s Museum internships. What? Because you love working with kids and have a passion for business and communication? Nah, because you can play on the playground again without having to pay admission, duh!

Taurus: April 20th-May 20th: The YMCA internship is the perfect place for you, Taurus, and here’s why. One word: pool. Every time you go, be in the water before you can be taught any valuable information. It’s the perfect plan. 

Gemini: May 21st-June 20th: I know the perfect senior project for you Gemini. I even have your driving question ready to go. ‘How many substances can I paint with before it becomes a biohazard or legal issue?’ The various substances are up to you. 

Cancer: June 21st- July 22nd: For Cancer, there really is only one option for you. A dentistry or orthodontic internship would be perfect for you because of all the free teeth you could get! Not entirely sure of the specifics, but I’m sure you’ll be able to get some teeth out of the deal. 

Leo: July 23rd- August 22nd: Leo, you are a classic, thus you deserve a classic senior project. Do you love American Girl dolls? Of course you do, everyone does. A YouTube channel dedicated to rating and reviewing the various American Girls is what this world, and the senior project committee, needs. No Rebecca slander will be tolerated. 

Virgo: Aug. 23rd- Sept. 22nd: I believe in your ability to create beautiful things, Virgo, and this is precisely why I believe you are up to the task of this senior project. You should use your creativity and talent to create hyper realistic Shrek baby dolls. Fergus, Farkle, and Felicia could be your template and product. Driving question: ‘Why? Dear god, why?’ 

Libra: Sept. 23- Oct. 22nd: Libra, your senior project will be a spin on a classic practice. Learning to crochet is an impressive skill, but you know what would be an even more impressive skill? Becoming a crochet TikTok influencer. How does one become a crochet TikTok influencer you might ask? I don’t know, it’s your senior project. 

Scorpio: Oct. 23rd- Nov. 21st: Your senior project, Scorpio, can be an apprenticeship, project, or internship. It’s fish. Your project is fish. I’m pretty sure you can figure it out from there. 

Sagittarius: Nov. 22- Dec. 21st: The Sagittarius should consider an apprenticeship focusing on auto body repair and modification. How else are you going to create a car painted and shaped like Garfield? Don’t rob the world of this beautiful creation. 

Capricorn: Dec. 22nd- Jan. 19th: Similar to Libra, the Capricorn should consider becoming a TikTok influencer for their senior project. But instead of crocheting, you should do makeup. And instead of normal makeup, you should exclusively use special effects makeup to transform yourself into a hyper-realistic Cat in the Hat. Keep in mind, your project is not general special effects makeup, it is ONLY turning yourself into Cat in the Hat.