The Life and Times of Charles Edmund Cheese
January 28, 2022
Dear reader,
Mr. Cheese was a good friend of mine. We used to play blackjack together while at the police academy. I have been asked by the Charles Edmund Cheese Estate to let Mr. Cheese’s story be known. All of the events in this story happened. Nothing has been dramatized or made to be something that it is not. Without further ado, this is The Life and Times of Charles Edmund Cheese.
Charles Edmund Cheese was born in Molasses, New Mexico in the year 20XX. He was 0 years old. His mother, Petra Redmund Cheese, worked as a bounty hunter. His father, Greedo Hedberg Cheese, opened and managed a Toys-R-Us store, and frequently would catch hoards of locusts to make his famous locust ice cream.
In his infancy, Charles befriended an Aardvark, who taught him many basic life skills that his parents couldn’t because of their work. Skills including, but not limited to, walking, running, flying, basic arithmetic, and advanced French comprehension were taught to Charles by the Aardvark.
When Charles reached the age of other kids who usually go to Kindergarten around that age, Charles went to Kindergarten. There, he excelled at building structures out of solid wood blocks. These structures, unfortunately, were blown over by random gusts of wind.
When he was in first grade, Charles met a man named Kuja. He said hello to Kuja, and Kuja said hello back. That was the end of their relationship.
During his time in primary and middle school, Charles never made a grade that was not 97.6. If the grade was higher than 97.6, Charles would have a word with the school administrators. Teachers praised Charles for being extremely punctual and hard-working, although, on average, Charles would only go to school for 10 days out of the year. Most teachers could not figure out how Charles kept up with assignments he did not know about. I do not know either. The one person who did know moved to Peru when they were 20. They moved to Berlin when they were 50, and Toronto when they were 87. They died while touring a college they were interested in.
Charles skipped high school and received his diploma. He also received an honorary degree from DeVry for his outstanding work done in high school.
Charles chose to attend the Molasses Police Academy to become a detective. He often worked alone because he heard somewhere that detectives do that kind of thing.
After 2 years, Charles became an official detective. He became somewhat famous around Molasses for being able to solve any crime in a very short time. Because of this reputation, the police department in Phoenix, Arizona brought him over to work with them.
Things in Phoenix were going smoothly, until one fateful day. The commissioner gave Charles a job like no other. The infamous crime-wizard Merlin was spotted selling out-of-date hotdogs on the streets of Phoenix. Charles was to find Merlin and apprehend him for his crimes.
Charles thought nothing much of this job at first. He had every right to feel this way. After all, he was the one who arrested the Moonlight Squirrel of Dresden, found the stolen golden pen belonging to the Penmaster General, and pointed out on a map exactly where Carmen Sandiego was. To Charles, this job seemed like a cakewalk.
Charles threw his undercover police cruiser into drive and pulled out onto the boulevard. Laying low, he scanned the sidewalk as he drove by. Nothing looked out of place. In fact, everything seemed like it was too in place. Charles then noticed a man with a green shirt and orange shorts, which is not unusual by itself, but he saw the same man blocks earlier. Something was not right with the streets of Phoenix.
Charles took note of everyone he passed by on the street. A man with a monkey on his shoulder. A snake with a cheez-it on their shoulder. A woman with a tiny blues musician on her shoulder. A monkey with a man on their shoulder. Nothing out of place, but just like the man in the green shirt and orange shorts, the people he saw kept repeating as he drove down the boulevard. After observing this, Charles knew that this must be an illusion fabricated by Merlin the crime-wizard.
As soon as Charles figured this out, his cruiser abruptly stopped. After trying to start the car back up with no success, Charles got out and started to roam the streets. Strangely, everything seemed frozen. No wind, no music, no movement. Then, in the corner of his eye, he spotted a tall pointy hat. There Merlin was.
Merlin wasted no time and quickly cast a spell. Unfortunately, the spell moved at a snail’s pace, and Charles was able to dodge it and come running at Merlin. A chase began as Merlin started to run away in fear. The two ran around the whole city of Pheonix and beyond. Bangladesh, Nuuk, Paris, and more locations were graced with Charles’ presence as the chase went on. While running through alleyways in Philadelphia, Charles was sure he had trapped Merlin. The crime-wizard ran down a dead-end way, and Charles followed to finish the chase. With quick thinking, Merlin suddenly summoned two brick walls and trapped Charles between them. “HAHAHAHAHAHA” shouted Merlin, “Now NOBODY can stop me. I’M INVINCIBLE!”
Merlin cast a spell on Charles. The spell began to transform him. Charles woke up the next morning in the same alleyway and realized that the walls were gone. He also realized that he was a rat. Charles scurried on back to the police department. When he arrived, the commissioner saw the state he was in. He knew as well as Charles that he was no longer in the right shape to carry on with his detective work. The next week, Charles was honorably discharged. With no job and no one to turn to, Charles knew he had to do something to keep his feet on the ground.
He noticed that, although he had lost most of the physical strength from his old body, he now knew how to make a good hand-tossed pizza and play a mean lead guitar. Charles decided on opening up a pizzeria, but he needed something spectacular to attract customers into the door. He knocked on doors around Phoenix, asking people if they knew how to play any instrument. Most said no but some said yes, and Charles asked the ones who did if they wanted to form a band. Most said no, but some (4) said yes, and the band was formed. There was Karissa on the drums, Martinelli on the bass, Grinkle John Jr. on acoustic guitar, and Gerty Gert on vocals.
Charles acquired an old billiards hall and quickly set up shop. He placed a stage in the middle of the restaurant for the band. The plan was to make pizzas while also playing songs. The members worked as a pizza assembly line, each taking one specific role in the pizza production process.
Opening night fell upon them. People were lined out the door. The music was loud. The pizzas were nice and cheesy, with a tasteful amount of mushrooms and olives. Service was fast; the band was making pizzas just as fast as they were playing their songs. Everyone was having a great time. The numerous pool tables set up around the restaurant were drawing people in and keeping them there.
Business never slowed down after opening night. In fact, it ramped up. Charles E. Cheese’s became one of the most popular restaurants in all of the world. Charles continued to run the restaurant for the rest of his days. Every day filled him with so much joy. Serving millions of people and seeing their faces light up with smiles meant the world to him. Charles had never been any happier. This was the top for him. He reached the metaphorical peak of metaphorical Mt. Everest.
When Charles passed away, nobody forgot about him and his legacy. He was always a man for his community and enjoyed nothing more than helping his fellow neighbors. Still to this day, his memory lives on through the hearts of the people he touched with his kindness.
This ends the story of Charles Edmund Cheese.
