Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Do not buy another pair of themed socks. Think about it, okay? Your friends are tired of seeing your koala socks that say you have the right koala-fications to be a marsupial. It’s getting old.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20)
Break up with your boyfriend. If you have a girlfriend, you are allowed to keep her. I can’t really explain why, which astrologists are not required to do, so I won’t. I don’t like your boyfriend.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Try goat yoga or any type of yoga. I think some of your energy needs to be devoted to regaining your calm. Not that you had a bunch to begin with, mind you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 21)
Oh, my sweet Taurus. Take some time for yourself! You’re not allowed to read another word until you’ve bought a ridiculous face mask and a gallon of ice cream. No arguing, please.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Take a chance. You know that one friend who seems kind of into you but also gives you a million mixed signals? Well, I think you should just ask them out and see how it goes. You have enough ego to take the rejection, and that’s a good thing!
Cancer (June 22 – July 21)
Your passion needs to stop being used on online forums. You can give so much more…like your cold. Go share germs!
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
I have a tingling sensation that, when ignored from a medical standpoint, tells me you need to dye your hair. I’m sick of those roots, Leo.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Basically, Virgo, you’re perfect. I seriously don’t know how you’re maintaining a 4.0 GPA, working a full-time job, volunteering for all those soup kitchens, donating to so many children’s hospitals, curing all the cancers… AND never chipping a nail. You amaze me.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Invent a brownie box mix recipe. I know you have it in you, you little baby Betty Crocker.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Dump it in the river.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Stop buying Durty Girl Margarita Mix. We both know you’re drinking virgin margaritas while crying doing your pre-cal homework. Hey, I get it, but at least bootleg some tequila. Save some for your favorite astrologer, too.
Capricorns (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
While I’m on the topic of harmful beverages, Capricorns, your thing with coffee is getting to be too much. I know you’re waking up earlier for school, but that DOES NOT mean it’s acceptable to fill your old gallon milk jug with straight expresso. Stop it.
