Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
“Halloween party animal,” said no one about you, ever. Were you even watching Mean Girls?
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20)
Did you break up with your boyfriend? Halloween is supposed to be scary, but not get-back-with-your-ex scary. Go to a party with Aquarius.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Please don’t use a chainsaw to carve your pumpkin this year. Or anything else. Your mother was very upset about the mess.
Taurus (April 20 – May 21)
Sorry, but you’re not updating your resume on Halloween this year. Yes, I am an astrologer, but where did I get this qualification? No one needs to know; I just had enough confidence, and I got here. Same logic applies to whatever you’re doing- fake it until you make it!
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
When you inevitably end up in a dark alley on Halloween night, remember what I always say: The sketchier the situation, the better the story. Trust the man in the ski mask.
Cancer (June 22 – July 21)
Did you watch any of the Saw movies? Okay, cool- so you know what to look out for. Perfect.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Stop letting Aries borrow your chainsaw. Their mother is upset about the mess.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Wow, Fall looks good on you, Virgo. I know I’m supposed to give you Halloween- themed advice, but you already know everything. Dumb know-it-all Virgos.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Yes, you are too old for trick or treating. No, you do not pass as a 12-year-old. Yes, you specifically.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Stop watching scary movies and laughing at the gory parts. You’re scaring people. When you whisper, “that’s totally where I would go” when the murderer picks a good hiding spot… red flag.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
When Aries and Leo ask you to carve pumpkins with them, say no. Oh, you’ve already left? I’ll swirl tea leaves for the safety of your fingers, then.
Capricorns (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Do you like Halloween? I can never read you, Capricorn. You act like Scorpio when they’re watching a horror movie. It’s simply above my pay grade to foresee your future.
